LEAD YOUR LIFE- CHAPTER 15

LEAD YOUR LIFE- CHAPTER 15

How to Get People to Like You 

WE MIGHT AS well admit it, we want people to like us. 

You may hear someone say, 

Chapter 15 

"I don't care whether people like 
me or not." But whenever you hear anyone say that, just put 
it down as a fact that he is not really telling the truth. 

The psychologist, William James, said, "One of the deepest 
drives of human nature is the desire to be appreciated." The 
longing to be liked, to be held in esteem, to be a sought-after 
person, is fundamental in us. 

A poll was taken among some high-school students on the 
question, "What do you most desire?" By overwhelming 
majority the students voted that they wanted to be popular. 
The same urge is in older people as well. Indeed it is 
doubtful if anybody ever outlives the desire to be well 
thought of, to be highly regarded, or to have the affection of 
his associates. 

To be master of the art of popularity, be artless. Strive 
deliberately after popularity and the chances are you will 
never attain it. But become one of those rare personalities 
about whom people say, "He certainly has something," and 
you can be certain you are on the way to having people like 
you. 

I must warn you, however, that despite your attainments in 
popularity you will never get everybody to like you. There is 
a curious quirk in human nature whereby some people just 
naturally won't like you. A quatrain inscribed on a wall at 
Oxford says: 


"I do not love thee, Dr. Fell, 
The reason why I cannot tell; 


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But this alone I know full well, 
I do not love thee, Dr. Fell. " 


That verse is very subtle. The author did not l ik e Dr. Fell. He 
didn't know why but he just knew he didn't like him. It was 
most likely an unreasonable dislike, for undoubtedly Dr. Fell 
was a very nice person. Perhaps if the author had known him 
better he would have liked him, but poor Dr. Fell never did 
become popular with the author of those lines. It may have 
been due simply to a lack of rapprochement, that baffling 
mechanism by which we either do or do not "click" with 
certain people. 

Even the Bible recognizes this unhappy fact about human 
nature, for it says, "If it be possible, as much as lieth in you, 
live peaceably with all men." (Romans 12:18) The Bible is a 
very realistic book and it knows people, their infinite 
possibilities as well as their imperfections. The Bible advised 
the disciples that if they went into a village and after trying 
their best to get along with people still couldn't do so, they 
were to shake off the very dust of the village from their 
feet — "And whosoever will not receive you, when ye go out 
of that city, shake off the very dust from your feet for a 
testimony against them." (Luke 9:5) This is all by way of 
saying that you will be wise if you do not let it too seriously 
affect you if you do not achieve perfect popularity with 
everyone. 

However, there are certain formulas and procedures which, if 
followed faithfully, can make you a person whom other 
people like. You can enjoy satisfactory personal relationships 
even if you are a "difficult" person or by nature shy and 
retiring, even unsocial. You can make of yourself one who 
enjoys easy, normal, natural, and pleasing relationships with 
others. 

I cannot urge you too strongly to consider the importance of 
this subject and to give time and attention to its mastery, for 


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you will never be fully happy or successful until you do. 
Failure in this capacity will adversely affect you 
psychologically. To be liked is of profounder importance 
than mere ego satisfaction. As necessary as that is to your 
success in life, normal and satisfactory personal relations are 
even more important. 

The feeling of not being wanted or needed is one of the most 
devastating of all human reactions. To the degree to which 
you are sought after or needed by other people will you 
become a fully-released person. The "lone wolf," the isolated 
personality, the retiring individual, these people suffer a 
misery which is difficult to describe. In self-defense they 
retire ever further within themselves. Their ingrowing, 
introverted nature is denied the normal development which 
the outgoing, self-giving person experiences. Unless the 
personality is drawn out of itself and can be of value to 
someone, it may sicken and die. The feeling of not being 
wanted or needed produces frustration, aging, illness. If you 
have a feeling of uselessness, if nobody needs or wants you, 
you really ought to do something about it. It is not only a 
pathetic way to live but is serious psychologically. Those 
who deal with the problems of human nature constantly 
encounter this problem and its unfortunate results. 

For example, at a Rotary Club luncheon in a certain city two 
physicians were at my table: one an elderly man who had 
been retired for several years, the other the most popular 
young doctor in town. The young doctor, looking frazzled, 
dashed in late and slumped down with a weary sigh. "If only 
the telephone would stop ringing," he complained. "I can't 
get anywhere because people call me all the time. I wish I 
could put a silencer on that telephone." 

The old doctor spoke up quietly, "I know how you feel, Jim," 
he said. "I used to feel that way myself, but be thankful the 
telephone does ring. Be glad people want and need you." 


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Then he added pathetically, "Nobody ever calls me anymore. 
I would like to hear the telephone ring again. Nobody wants 
me and nobody needs me. I'm a has-been." 

All of us at the table who sometimes feel a bit worn by 
numerous activities did a lot of thinking as we listened to the 
old doctor. 

A middle-aged woman complained to me that she didn't feel 
well. She was dissatisfied and unhappy. "My husband is 
dead, the children are grown, and there is no place for me 
anymore. People treat me kindly, but they are indifferent. 
Everyone has his own interest and nobody needs me — 
nobody wants me. I wonder, could that be a reason I do not 
feel well?" she asked. Indeed that could very likely be an 
important reason. 

In a business office the founder of the firm just past seventy 
was walking restlessly and aimlessly around. He talked with 
me, while his son, present head of the business, whom I had 
come to see, was on the telephone. The older man said 
gloomily, "Why don't you write a book on how to retire? 
That is what I need to know. I thought it was going to be 
wonderful to give up the burdens of the job," he continued, 
"but now I find that nobody is interested in anything I say. I 
used to think I was a popular fellow, but now when I come 
down here and sit around the office everyone says hello, then 
they forget me. I might as well stay away altogether for all 
they care. My son is running the business and he is doing a 
good job of it, but," he concluded pathetically, "I'd like to 
think they needed me a little bit." 

These people are suffering one of the most pathetic and 
unhappy experiences in this life. Their basic desire is to be 
sought after and this desire is not being satisfied. They want 
people to appreciate them. The personality longs for esteem. 
But it isn't only in retirement that this situation develops. 


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A girl of twenty-one told me that she had been unwanted 
ever since birth. Someone had given her the notion she was 
an unwanted child. This serious idea had sunk into her 
subconscious, giving her a profound sense of inferiority and 
self-depreciation. It made her shy and backward, causing her 
to retreat into herself. She became lonely and unhappy and 
was, in fact, an underdeveloped personality. The cure for her 
condition was to revamp her life spiritually, especially her 
thinking, which process in time made her a well-liked person 
by setting her personality free of herself. 

Countless other people, not particularly victims of deep, 
unconscious psychological conflicts, have never mastered 
the knack of being popular. They try hard enough. They even 
go to extremes, often acting in a manner they do not really 
enjoy, but which they employ only because of their intense 
desire to have people like them. Everywhere today we see 
people putting on an act because of their inordinate desire for 
popularity in the superficial sense in which the word is often 
used in modern society. 

The fact is that popularity can be attained by a few simple, 
natural, normal, and easily mastered techniques. Practice 
them diligently and you can become a well-liked person. 

First, become a comfortable person, that is, one with whom 
people can associate without a sense of strain. Of some 
persons it is said, "You can never quite get next to him." 
There is always a barrier that you can't get over. A 
comfortable person is easygoing and natural. He has a 
pleasant, kindly, genial way about him. Being with him is 
not unlike wearing an old hat or an old pair of shoes, or an 
easy old coat. A stiff, reserved, unresponsive individual 
never meshes into the group. He is always just a bit out of it. 
You never quite know how to take him or how he will react. 
You just aren't easy-like with him. 

Some young people were talking about a seventeen-year-old 


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boy whom they liked very much. Of him they said, "He is 
good company. He is a good sport. He is easy to be with." It 
is very important to cultivate the quality of being natural. 
Usually that sort of individual is large-souled. Little people 
who are much concerned about how you treat them, who are 
jealous of their place or position, who meticulously stand on 
their prerogatives, are stiff and easily offended. 

A man who is an outstanding example of these truths is 
James A. Parley, former Postmaster General of the United 
States. 

I met Mr. Parley for the first time a number of years ago. 
Months later I met him in a large crowd of people and he 
called me by name. Being human, I never forgot that, and it 
is one reason I have always liked Mr. Parley. 

An interesting incident illustrates the secret of this man who 
is an expert in how to get people to like him. I was to speak 
in Philadelphia at a book-and-author luncheon along with 
Mr. Parley and two other authors. I did not actually witness 
the scene I am about to describe, as I was late in arriving, but 
my publisher did. The speakers at this luncheon were 
walking along the hotel corridor together when they passed a 
colored maid standing by a cart loaded with sheets, towels, 
and other equipment with which she was servicing the 
rooms. She was paying no attention to this group of people 
as they turned aside to avoid her cart. Mr. Parley walked up 
to her, put out his hand, and said, "Hello, there. How are 
you? I'm Jim Parley. What's your name? Glad to see you." 

My publisher looked back at her as the group passed down 
the hall. The girl's mouth was wide with astonishment and 
her face broke into a beautiful smile. It was an excellent 
example of how an unegotistical, comfortable, outgoing 
person is successful in personal relationships. 

A university psychology department conducted an analysis 


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of the personality traits by which people are liked or disliked. 
One hundred traits were scientifically analyzed and it was 
reported that one must have forty- six favorable traits in order 
to be liked. It is rather discouraging to realize that you must 
have so large a number of characteristics to be popular. 

Christianity, however, teaches that one basic trait will go far 
toward getting people to like you. That trait is a sincere and 
forthright interest in and love for people. Perhaps if you 
cultivate this basic trait, other traits will naturally develop. 

If you are not the comfortable type of person, I suggest that 
you make study of your personality with a view toward 
eliminating conscious and unconscious elements of strain 
which may exist. Do not assume that the reason other people 
do not like you is because of something wrong with them. 
Assume, instead, that the trouble is within yourself and 
determine to find and eliminate it. This will require 
scrupulous honesty and it may also involve the assistance of 
personality experts. The so-called "scratchy" elements in 
your personality may be qualities which you have taken on 
through the years. Perhaps they have been assumed 
defensively, or they may be the result of attitudes developed 
in your younger days. Regardless of origin they can be 
eliminated by a scientific study of yourself and by your 
recognition of the necessity for change followed by a process 
of personality rehabilitation. 

A man came to our clinic at the church seeking help in the 
problem of personal relationships. About thirty-five years of 
age, he was the type of person whom you would certainly 
look at twice if not three times. He was splendidly 
proportioned and impressive. Superficially regarding him it 
was surprising that people should not like him. But he 
proceeded to outline an unhappy and continuous set of 
circumstances and instances to illustrate his dismal failure in 
human relations. 


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"I do my best," he explained. "I have tried to put into practice 
the rules I have been taught about getting along with people, 
but get nowhere with the effort. People just don't like me and 
what is more I am aware of it." 

After talking with him it was not difficult to understand the 
trouble. There was in his manner of speech a persistently 
critical attitude thinly veiled but nonetheless apparent. He 
had an unattractive manner of pursing his lips which 
indicated a kind of primness or reproof for everybody, as if 
he felt just a bit superior and disdainful toward other people. 
In fact there was about him a noticeable attitude of 
superiority. He was very rigid, with no flexibility of 
personality. 

"Isn't there some way to change myself so that people will 
like me?" he demanded. "Isn't there some way I can stop 
unconsciously rubbing people the wrong way?" 

The young man was decidedly self-centered and egotistical. 
The person he really liked was himself. Every statement, 
every attitude was unconsciously measured in terms of how 
it reacted on himself. We had to teach him to love other 
people and to forget himself, which was of course a complete 
reversal of his development. It was vital, however, to the 
solution of his problem. I found that this young man was 
irritable with people and he picked on them in his own mind, 
though no outward conflicts with other persons developed. 
Inwardly he was trying to make everybody over to suit 
himself. Unconsciously people realized this, though perhaps 
they did not define the trouble. Barriers were erected in their 
minds toward him. 

Since he was being unpleasant to people in his thoughts, it 
followed that he was less than warm in his personal attitudes. 
He was polite enough and managed not to be boorish and 
unpleasant, but people unconsciously felt coolness in him, so 
gave him the "brush-off" of which he complained. The 


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reason they did so was because in his mind he had "brushed 
them off." He liked himself too well, and to build up his self- 
esteem he disliked others. He was suffering from self-love, a 
chief cure for which is the practice of love for others. 

He was bewildered and baffled when we outlined his 
difficulty. But he was sincere and meant business. He 
practiced the suggested techniques for developing love of 
others in place of self-love. It required some fundamental 
changes to accomplish this, but he succeeded in doing so. 

One method suggested was that at night before retiring he 
make a list of persons he had met during the day, as, for 
example, the bus driver or the newsboy. He was to picture 
mentally each person whose name appeared on the list, and 
as he brought each face up before him he was to think a 
kindly thought about that person. Then he was to pray for 
each one. He was to pray around his little world. Each of us 
has his own world, people with whom we do business or are 
associated in one way or another. 

For example, the first person outside the family whom this 
young man saw in the morning was the elevator man in his 
apartment house. He had not been in the habit of saying 
anything to him beyond a perfunctory and growled good 
morning. Now he took the time to have a little chat with the 
elevator man. He asked him about his family and about his 
interests. He found that the elevator operator had an 
interesting point of view and some experiences which were 
quite fascinating. He began to see new values in a person 
who to him previously had been a mechanical robot, who ran 
the elevator up and down to his floor. He actually began to 
like the elevator operator and in turn the elevator man, who 
had formed a pretty accurate opinion of the young man, 
began to revise his views. They established a friendly 
relationship. So the process went from person to person. 

One day the young man said to me, "I have found that the 


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world is filled with interesting people and I never realized it 
before." 


When he made that observation he proved that he was losing 
himself, and when he did that, as the Bible so wisely tells us, 
he found himself. In losing himself he found himself and lots 
of new friends besides. People learned to like him. 

Learning to pray for people was important in his 
rehabilitation, for when you pray for anyone you tend to 
modify your personal attitude toward him. You lift the 
relationship thereby to a higher level. The best in the other 
person begins to flow out toward you as your best flows 
toward him. In the meeting of the best in each a higher unity 
of understanding is established. 

Essentially, getting people to like you is merely the other 
side of liking them. One of the most popular men who lived 
in the United States within the lifetime of most of us was the 
late Will Rogers. One of the most characteristic statements 
he ever made was, "I never met a man I didn't like." That 
may have been a slight exaggeration, but I am sure Will 
Rogers did not regard it as such. That is the way he felt about 
people, and as a result people opened up to him like flowers 
to the sun. 

Sometimes the weak objection is offered that it is difficult to 
like some people. Granted, some people are by nature more 
likable than others, nevertheless a serious attempt to know 
any individual will reveal qualities within him that are 
admirable, even lovable. 

A man had the problem of conquering feelings of irritation 
toward persons with whom he was associated. For some 
people he had a very profound dislike. They irritated him 
intensely, but he conquered these feelings simply by making 
an exhaustive list of everything he could possibly admire 
about each person who annoyed him. Daily he attempted to 


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add to this list. He was surprised to discover that people 
whom he thought he did not like at all proved to have many 
pleasing qualities. In fact, he was at a loss to understand how 
he ever disliked them after becoming conscious of their 
attractive qualities. Of course, while he was making these 
discoveries about them, they, in turn, were finding new and 
likable qualities in him. 

If you have gone through life up to this point without having 
established satisfactory human relationships, do not assume 
that you cannot change, but it will be necessary to take very 
definite steps toward solving the problem. You can change 
and become a popular person, well liked and esteemed, if 
you are willing to make the effort. May I remind you as I 
remind myself that one of the greatest tragedies of the 
average person is the tendency to spend our whole lives 
perfecting our faults? We develop a fault and we nurse it and 
cultivate it, and never change it. Like a needle caught in the 
groove of a defective record on a gramophone, it plays the 
same old tune over and over again. You must lift the needle 
out of the groove, then you will have disharmony no longer, 
but harmony. Don't spend more of your life perfecting faults 
in human relations. Spend the rest of your life perfecting 
your great capacities for friendliness, for personal relations 
are vitally important to successful living. 

Still another important factor in getting people to like you is 
to practice building up the ego of other persons. The ego, 
being the essence of our personalities, is sacred to us. There 
is in every person a normal desire for a feeling of self- 
importance. If I deflate your ego and therefore your self- 
importance, though you may laugh it off, I have deeply 
wounded you. In fact, I have shown disrespect for you, and 
while you may exercise charity toward me, even so, unless 
you are finely developed spiritually, you are not going to like 
me very well. 


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On the other hand, if I elevate your self-respect and 
contribute to your feeling of personal worth, I am showing 
high esteem for your ego. I have helped you to be your best 
self and therefore you appreciate what I have done. You are 
grateful to me. You like me for it. 

The deflation of another person's ego may be mildly done 
perhaps, but one can never evaluate how deep the 
depreciation goes from even a remark or an attitude that is 
not meant to be unkind. Here is the way in which ego is often 
deflated. 

The next time you are in a group and someone tells a joke 
and everybody laughs with appreciation and pleasure except 
yourself, when the laughter has died down say patronizingly, 
"Well, that is a pretty good joke all right. I saw it in a 
magazine last month." 

Of course it will make you feel quite important to let others 
know of your superior knowledge, but how does it make the 
man feel who told the joke? You have robbed him of the 
satisfaction of having told a good story. You have crowded 
him out of his brief moment in the limelight and usurped 
attention to yourself. In fact you have taken the wind out of 
his sails and left him flat and deflated. He enjoyed his 
momentary little prominence, but you took it away from him. 
Nobody in that group is going to like you for what you did, 
and certainly not the man whose story you spoiled. Whether 
you like the joke or not, let the storyteller and the others 
enjoy it. Remember he may be a little bit embarrassed and 
shy. It would have done him good to have received a 
response. Don't deflate people. Build them up and they will 
love you for it. 

While writing this chapter I enjoyed a visit with an old and 
dear friend, Dr. John W. Hoffman, one-time president of 
Ohio Wesleyan University. As I sat with him in Pasadena, I 
realized once again how much this great personality has 


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always meant to me. Many years ago, on the night before my 
graduation from college, we had a banquet at our fraternity 
house at which he was present and made a talk. After dinner 
he asked me to walk with him to the president's house. 

It was a beautiful moonlit night in June. All the way up the 
hill he talked to me about life and its opportunities and told 
me what a thrill awaited me as I entered the outside world. 
As we stood in front of his house he put his hand on my 
shoulder and said, "Norman, I have always liked you. I 
believe in you. You have great possibilities. I shall always be 
proud of you. You have got it in you." Of course he 
overestimated me, but that is infinitely better than to 
depreciate a person. 

It being June and the night before graduation and excitement 
being in my heart, my sentiments were pretty close to the 
surface, and I said good night to him through a mist of tears 
which I tried to conceal. It has been many years since then, 
but I never forgot what he said nor how he said it on that 
June night long ago. I have loved him all across the years. 

I discovered that he made similar statements to many other 
boys and girls long since become men and women and they, 
too, love him because he respected their personalities and 
was constantly building them up. Through the years he 
would write to me and to others congratulating us on some 
little thing that we had done, and a word of approval from 
him meant much. Little wonder this honored guide of youth 
has the affection and devotion of thousands of people whose 
lives he touched. 

Whomever you help to build up and become a better, 
stronger, finer person will give you his undying devotion. 
Build up as many people as you can. Do it unselfishly. Do it 
because you like them and because you see possibilities in 
them. Do this and you will never lack for friends. You will 
always be well thought of. Build people up and love them 


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genuinely. Do them good and their esteem and affection will 
flow back toward you. 

The basic principles of getting people to like you need no 
prolonged and labored emphasis, for they are very simple 
and easily illustrate their own truth. However, I list ten 
practical rules for getting the esteem of others. The 
soundness of these principles has been demonstrated 
innumerable times. Practice them until you become expert at 
them and people will like you. 

1. Learn to remember names. Inefficiency at this point may 
indicate that your interest is not sufficiently outgoing. A 
man's name is very important to him. 

2. Be a comfortable person so there is no strain in being with 
you — be an old-shoe, old-hat kind of individual. Be homey. 

3. Acquire the quality of relaxed easy-goingness so that 
things do not ruffle you. 

4. Don't be egotistical. Guard against giving the impression 
that you know it all. Be natural and normally humble. 

5. Cultivate the quality of being interesting so that people 
will want to be with you and get something of stimulating 
value from their association with you. 

6. Study to get the "scratchy" elements out of your 
personality, even those of which you may be unconscious. 

7. Sincerely attempt to heal, on an honest Christian basis, 
every misunderstanding you have had or now have. Drain off 
your grievances. 

8. Practice liking people until you learn to do so genuinely. 
Remember what Will Rogers said, "I never met a man I 
didn't like." Try to be that way. 


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9. Never miss an opportunity to say a word of congratulation 
upon anyone's achievement, or express sympathy in sorrow 
or disappointment. 

10. Get a deep spiritual experience so that you have 
something to give people that will help them to be stronger 
and meet life more effectively. Give strength to people and 
they will give affection to you. 


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